Suspicious Character

One spring break while attending the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, I planned to visit my friend, Jim, in Hardin IL. I hadn't finished working on my car yet, so I decided to hitchhike.

I was standing on the edge of Hwy 36 in the middle of Missouri at 6 in the morning when a Highway Patrolman stopped to check me out. He looked at my driver's license and then asked me where I was going. I told him Hardin IL and he said, "Why don't you get in the car. You might be a suspicious character that I need to check out."

I spent the next half-hour chatting with him about some of his Highway Patrolman stories until we got to the next town. He pulled over, stopped the car, and said, "This is the end of my beat so I'll have to let you out here. I guess you're not that suspicious after all. Good luck!"

Easy to Find

One evening after dinner I asked Lan what would be good for dessert. She said, "I put a bowl of cut-up pears in the refrigerator, why don't we just have those?"

"Sounds good, I'll go get them."

No matter how hard I looked, though, I just couldn't find those pears. Finally I said, "Honey, are you sure they're in here? I can't seem to find them."

Lan was getting pretty annoyed by this time and in exasperation, she came into the kitchen, walked up to the fridge, and took out the pears.

She turned to me with a thoroughly disgusted look on her face and said, "You're lucky my pussy's always in the same place or you probably couldn't find that either."

Optometrist Needed

Yesterday I had one of those really good days. There were no panics at work, I was able to actually get some things done, and the atmosphere was very relaxed.

On the way home, the traffic was not bad and the radio station, KCSM, was playing a long set of Miles Davis' "All Blues". When I got home I was in a really good mood.

I parked the car in the garage, went into the house where Lan was working in the kitchen, and said, "Hi honey. You look really cute today!"

She turned, gave me a "look", and then said, "I think it must be time for you to get new glasses."

Still Alive

A few months ago my wife, Lan, had a routine blood test that returned numbers that were out of the normal range for her liver.

Over the course of the next several weeks she had more extensive blood tests done targeting her liver. These tests were inconclusive, so her doctor then scheduled a CT scan for her. This also didn't clarify what was wrong.

Finally they gave her an MRI which showed that she had a large cyst on her liver. After several meetings with the surgeon, It was decided to remove the cyst using laparoscopic surgery.

The day of the surgery I took Lan to the hospital, got her checked in, and waited for her turn in the operating room. The surgery took about 2 hours and shortly after it was over, the doctor came out to see me. He explained what was done and assured me that everything went well.

About a half hour later a nurse came out to bring me into the post-op recovery room. Lan was lying on a hospital gurney and still hadn't completely come out of the anesthesia. I was sitting on a chair beside her when she turned, looked at me, and said, "Hi honey," And then said almost to herself, "This is really good, I'm still alive!"

She's doing fine now and is almost completely recovered.

Pressure Player

I had a load to deliver to a large Kroger's warehouse in Louisville KY. I arrived early in the morning and waited along with a dozen other trucks for the gates to open at 6:am.

Kroger's had a policy that they wouldn't start unloading any trucks until all the trucks were backed into the dock. All the drivers managed to get their trucks backed in except for a hillbilly from Arkansas. This guy had the easiest spot to back into since it was right on the end of the dock.

At the time, I had shoulder length hair and was at least 10 years younger than most of the other drivers. My long hair combined with my youth automatically pegged me as a hippy to the mostly redneck drivers who were standing around watching the guy from Arkansas.

After he had made about a half-dozen unsuccessful attempts, I walked up to his cab and said, "Look, why don't you let me back that in for you. If I can do it perfectly in one try, you owe me 5 bucks. If I have to pull up even once, you owe me nothing."

The pressure was on, so he had to agree to the deal.

I climbed up into the cab of that filthy International cab-over. The empty potato chip bags, scattered dirty clothes, and empty coke cans rolling around on the floor combined to give it the ambiance of a homeless camp.

I fished around with the sloppy shifter until I found reverse, put it in gear, and backed that thing into the dock perfectly. As I was getting out of the truck, the guy walked up to me and started reaching for his chain drive wallet.

I said, "That's OK, keep your money. Just remember this episode the next time the subject of hippies comes up."

The Mammogram

My wife, Lan, had never had a mammogram. Her doctor periodically urged her to get one and about 15 years ago, Lan relented. She scheduled a mammogram.

I took her to the clinic in Sunnyvale and waited in the lobby while she kept her appointment. When she came out, she had that same bemused look on her face that she gets when I tell her a joke that she doesn't think is funny.

She said, "I think that machine was designed by a man that hates women."

Humbled

I had never been to New Orleans, so a few months after I got out of the Army I decided to go there. I planned to visit a friend, Emma, who lived in Slidell, and see New Orleans at the same time.

One afternoon while waiting for Emma to get off work, I was relaxing on a bench in the main plaza of the French Quarter. A young boy came up to me and said, "Do you have any spare change, mister?" I just brushed him off.

There was an old homeless man sitting on the next bench who overheard this exchange. He said, "Come here, kid." He reached into the pocket of his ragged brown pants and gave the boy a couple of quarters.

I've never felt so small.

Drop Test

When I worked for Cisco, the prototypes for all new network switch designs had to go through Mechanical Design Verification Testing (MDVT). One part of this test required the switches to be dropped from various angles and from heights up to 1 meter. The switches had to continue passing traffic for the duration of the test.

I took four Catalyst 2900 prototypes to a small independent testing lab that had contracted with Cisco to do drop testing. I explained the setup to the woman in charge of the testing. I showed her how to connect each switch to a laptop, start and stop the test, and verify that the results had been recorded.

As I was about to leave, I turned to her and said in a very serious almost conspiratorial tone, "Remember these are prototypes so whatever you do, don't drop them."

She looked startled and said, "But that's what we do here!"

Catholic Landscaping

There used to be a Nob Hill market in Sunnyvale where the Sprouts market is now. My wife, Lan, and I used to go there at least once a week for the exceptional produce.

The trip to the market took us past a Catholic church on Old San Francisco Road. One morning we were going past the church when Lan said, "Dave, look at the small evergreen trees in front of that church. Someone has trimmed them so the top of each one looks just like the head of a dick!"

This was enormously amusing to us. We came up with new jokes almost every time we passed that church for the next few months.

"We better slow down, we're going past the Church of Saint Richard, the Dick".

"Let's have a moment of silence as we pass the Church of the Divine Dildos".

Lan had a friend who was in her early 60's, had never been married, and was a dedicated Catholic. She wasn't that religious, she just liked being a member of the Catholic club and enthusiastically embraced every ritual.

One afternoon she stopped by our house to visit. She and Lan decided to go to the Nob Hill Market after Lan described how much she liked the produce there. As they were passing the Catholic church, her friend crossed herself and said, "Look at the lovely trees in front of that Catholic church."

Lan started laughing so hard she had to pull over and stop the car. When she regained her composure, she explained why she was laughing so hard.

Her friend's face turn as red as a Cardinal's clown hat.

Church Analysis

Our daughter, Nhan, and her son, Steven, moved into our house after her divorce. It was a lot of fun having Steven in the house and we spent a lot of time together.

When he was about 6, his father came by one Sunday morning to take him to church. We take a very dim view of church, but finally made a deal. He could take Steven to church this once, but if he didn't like it, he would never have to go again.

When Steven came back, I asked him what he thought about church. He said, "It was pretty boring, Dave. It was just stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, and then we had to pay."

It was the last time he ever went to church.